Easy Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser

April 2022

For the last several years I have been working hard on understanding my own personal tendencies and how to improve for my future. Maybe it was because I was the firstborn, growing up in my family, but I always felt this need to make others happy. I always thought it was because I was a “nurturer”. That taking care of everyone around me meant that it would make me happy. And as a people pleaser, IT DID to a certain level. It gave me this validation that I was a “good” person when I took care of others, made sure I went with the flow and didn’t say “no” to upset anyone.

Things did get more amplified when I got married. I naturally stepped into this role of just giving, giving, giving and man did it leave me so unfulfilled and overwhelmed.

Things are WAY different for me now. I have worked hard and continue to work on recognizing the areas of my life that need to change. So slowly I have been able to make adjustments and get to a place in my life where I feel levels of contentment. I no longer say yes to things I don’t want to do, and I make time for ME without feeling zero guilt about it.

One of the hardest things for me was to also not associate with certain people and do a purge of the people in my life. I LOVE people and loved having many friends in my life. But in the last several years I realized that I was naive and some are not owed a space in my life. It was very difficult for me to do but has also been one of the best things I have done in a long time. I now have a small group of friends that I trust. My life is better, feels satisfying and no longer draining. I didn’t realize how negative certain people were in my life until they were no longer a part of it.

What Is The Root Cause Of Being A People Pleaser

People with this type of personality usually have some of the biggest hearts. They love people and always want to lend a hand whenever possible. They rarely ever say “no”. At the root of most people pleasers is their need for validation from others to make them feel good about themselves. Their fear of rejection, possible insecurities, and their need to be well-liked drives them to go over and beyond for others.

How To Know If You Are A People Pleaser

Most don’t like saying “no”. That two-letter word carries a lot of guilt and negative feelings with it. People pleasers also don’t like when people are mad at them. Along with not saying “no”, confrontation and conflict aren’t really their thing. It’s not something they feel comfortable with and avoid at all costs. Accommodating others before themselves causes them to get caught in this cycle of making others happy before themselves.

Another thing that many people-pleasers do is put their own needs last. Self-care is optional for them. Taking time for themselves feels selfish. Helping and doing things for others usually makes them feel better, temporarily. They end up feeling like they are “being kind” and a “good person”. But always going out of the way for family and friends will leave one’s emotional and physical needs unmet. That can be overwhelming for a people pleaser that wants to avoid conflict and not express their own opinions or needs.

Here’s a people-pleasing quiz to see if you may be one.

Ways To Stop Putting Others Before Yourself

So what happens if you realize you are a people pleaser. What can you do NOW to change that? Here are a few things you can start doing to shift your thoughts and the way you respond. Even though it may be incredibly uncomfortable at first, over time, it will become easier to break that people-pleasing cycle. You will find a healthy balance between creating boundaries and managing your time.

First thing is to learn to say, “NO”. You don’t need to give a further explanation as to why you can’t or are unable to do something. If it’s something you don’t want to do, don’t.
Learn to be ok with saying what you feel and what you need. Suppressing what you want is not beneficial to anyone. Most importantly, yourself.
So important to change your mindset on how you view yourself. You are worthy and deserve to be a priority in your mind and to those around you.
Self-care is NOT optional and NOT a luxury. Do things each day that fill your tank!

I hope this post has been helpful in some way. If you need more ideas on how to give back to yourself, check out 30 Simple Things to Do to Give Back to Yourself